December 8th 2006

I turned 21 last Sunday. It snows 18 inches of snow in Missouri just two days prior. Needless to say I did not go out to celebrate. I stayed in and had a nice dinner, received gifts from my boyfriend and his family, and watched Get Shorty. I had a mixed drink at dinner: one part Canadian blended whiskey and 2 parts Coke. I didn’t drink anything else. I even got to bed early because I had to work in the morning. my boyfriend tried to make up for it by taking me out for dinner on Wednesday to La Casa Grande. I did get to order a modest 17oz Margarita. They didn’t even card me.

Today is the first free time I’ve had since my birthday. But I probably won’t go out anywhere fun this weekend either. I can’t go out because of a few reasons. Number one is my boyfriend doesn’t like going out. Number two is because I have finals next week and need to study. And number three is that I am too broke to go out anyway. I have to pay $1,200 to the school. I still have to buy Christmas presents for my family as well.

I just feel like I am missing out on my youth. I grew up too fast. All my old friends are partying and I am working. Plus I have no real friends down here. my boyfriend doesn’t count as a friend. I mean someone who I can talk to, hang out with. I have no one. I am lonely. I am tired. I am freezing.

I need to move on to something else. I need to get married and move away from this house. I want to start some place new and make friends. God, I want friends.

I was thinking about posting my thoughts on Facebook but last time I did that I actually got feedback. And for some reason I didn’t like it. I don’t think I want anybody to know m unhappy. Yet I write it down like I’m talking to someone. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My room is freezing! I am so cold.

Mom and I bought my wedding dress while I was up in Minnesota for Thanksgiving. It was the one I was looking at on Pronovias.com. Its part of their 2007 Glamor collection. Its name is Ebano. I had to order a size 6 because they don’t make it any smaller. They measured me and they said the closest size would have been a 4 but it was just ever so slightly too big. At least this way I don’t have to work about gaining weight. I can always have it altered down. I can't wait to really plan a wedding.

I am still quite disappointed about my 21^st birthday. It was just another day. I’m just sitting here at the keyboard not knowing what to say to explain why I am welling up but I am. I feel like I’m trapped. Especially now because I am snows in with a wall of ice so I can,t go anywhere without my boyfriend. And he wont take me anywhere.

I had a dream that My Boyfriend and I decided to just go ahead and get married. And while I was in the bathroom getting ready I realized I didn't want to call my mother and tell her I got married without her. It would break her heart. I told my boyfriend, in the dream, I cant get married without my mother there. He said but you like my family better why do you want her here? –what could all that mean. When I told my boyfriend in real life about it he said, well I'm not putting those thoughts in your head.