I am Going to be on TV

I am apperaing on a tv show next month!

The show is called Online Nation

it's one of those compilation shows of clips from the internet.

The show aired last Sunday September 23st 2007

I will be on the show on the 21st of October

the station is:
and the Show is on on Sundays 7:30 est/6:30 cst


Watch for my intros on the 21st of October
It is my fifteen minutes of fame.
This might only happen once in my life!

A Summer of New Beginnings

And So Starts My New Life
So starts my new adult life. I am finally going to leave the comforts and safety of a parental watch and really be independent. Moving out of My BF's parents house will be bitter-sweet. On one hand there were times when I felt like walking out. But they really do love me like a daughter and just want the best for me. With help from my Mother's Prayer and God Himself, We will be out of the house by September. All depends on my BF getting a job. I will be able to one, no problem! He is the deciding factor. We are both pretty sure that we will be moving and that my BF is a ringer for the position he has applied for so we scheduled to look for apartments and duplexes this coming Saturday. As of today I have made 3 appointments. Our Saturday is filling up. I cant wait to get of my current employer. I really do nothing for the company what so ever. I just sit at my desk and surf the web. They will probably be happy to see me go. Today even my boss noticed how there was really nothing for me to do and told me to just come back after lunch. Because wouldn't have anything for me to do until then. I was more than happy to go get some stuff done instead of waist time at my desk. I have been having a lot of fun collecting and investigating all the things we will need for our new place. While I was out I got some basic cleaning supplies and laundry stuff so that we have supplies to do chores when we move in. We are going to try and move in just two weeks while my Bf and I are still employed at out current employer. The company My BF is applying to is surprised that we could relocate in just that two weeks. But they don't know that when My BF puts in his notice he will not have to work the two weeks. That is just the way that this company is. So we are planning to rent a U-Haul and just take one trip. The only thing that has been bothering me is the fact that he has not been real supportive of all the work I have been doing to find us a place. I have been risking being found out at work by searching listings at my desk. But only because he has work and school and no time to look himself. If I Didn't to it then it wouldn't get done. But he has been constantly questioning my choices. It seems as though the ones I find cant be good enough. I am feeling a little Guilty about leaving my current employer so soon after my promotion. But not because of the impact on the company but to my coworkers. I really do like everyone and my friend Shon especially. Shon is the only person I would really call a friend in the office. I will miss him a lot when I leave. I had an review today but because I am so new it was more like an overview of the job I will be expected to do when I am fully trained. The funniest thing is that I will not be with the company next year to get reviewed anyway. Because I plan on putting in my notice as soon as we know if my BF has the job. He really wouldn't like hearing that. he is very sensible. But I really and truly cant stand to be without him. I will not live another long distance relationship again! I have to be with him! I love him with all my heart and soul. I know that sounds cheesy but I really can’t live without him. When we are separated I feel like part of me is missing. I also know this is in stark contrast to some of my other posts. But I tend to complain therapeutically in these blogs just to get things off my chest and I forget to blog about the better stuff. In reality for every one thing that he does that makes me mad he does ten things that make me melt with happiness. He is the most wonderful man in the world and you can't have him.
And on that note I bid you all goodnight!

Fortune Cookie

I got a wonderful fortune cookie today. it said:

Those who wish to sing always find a song.

and the lucky numbers were:
10, 38, 22, 37, 2, 18

if you believe in that sort of thing.

Poetry

Sunday April 15, 2007

My head, it aches

My palms, they sweat

My voice and hands, they shake

My mind, it races

My eyes, they leak

My heart and soul, they break

April 1, 2007

Today I am feeling quite down. I have been having a lot of thoughts about getting hurt. I think about getting into a car accident and having to go to the hospital and having my boyfriend there worrying about me. I feel so insecure that I am nearly wishing for the most extreme validation possible that someone cares about ME. I just feel invisible and inconsequential and unwanted.

Recently, meaning the last two months my boyfriend and I have been having issues. After my last entry I had a nervous breakdown/anxiety attack at work over a lot of stuff. my boyfriend Had not been forthcoming with his thoughts and feelings as to why he would feel compelled to have secret or even just private friends that I couldn’t be friends with. Combined with a fight the night before and the four hours before my lunch break that day that came to a climax when my boyfriend decided not to come to lunch. He decided to avoid the whole situation by going out to his car. Well I snapped and was crying and blubbering and hyperventilating. It was would have been one of the most embarrassing days if I actually cared what the people at work think of me. (I think that I must think I’m better than them or something.)

I couldn’t even eat my food. I didn’t go back to work and sat through the next lunch slot. Still crying I asked a friend to get my boss, who let me go home.

I thought that valentines day was just what the doctor ordered even though I was still sick. I have never been so sick in my life as I have been in the last year and a half. I think it has to be related to stress or maybe depression I'm not sure. However, our valentines day which was actually celebrated the day after because we both had class, was very nice. my boyfriend and I seemed like we were back from where ever we had gone. It was great.

But the same old problems showed up again this month. my boyfriend and I had a talk one evening and he ended up bring up an issue that he has shared with ne before. About how he has never been with any other girl. And how the idea of never being able to be with any other girl is distressing. And to put the cherry on the cake he said he feels trapped with me. OMG!

He played his usual cards of coming into the room and demanding for me to stop what im doing and come over and cuddle with him immediately. And when I don’t immediately jump up and fly across the room he claims that I don’t love him. then he goes into the “I’m a bad person” rant and I have to tell him that he’s not a bad person, and how he is a good person. Then he makes it about me. He says something like he is stuck with me because he is a bad person. And that he never gets what he wants, EVER!

How am I expected to be cherry and still be the one trying to help him when he is blatantly attacking me.

Well I got flustered and even more so when he started asking permission to be with other girls and still be able to have me. I was hurt and pissed and confused. We talked for a long time mostly about him and how he feels. I asked him if he wanted to be with me forever. And he said nothing. I said “but I sure that I want to be with you forever. Why aren’t you sure?” and he said he used to be sure, before he stopped accepting things so much. I'm not even sure what that was supposed to mean. The conversation was running late and we had work the next day so were making nice to go get some sleep and we were talking about how the “fight” started. And he said it started because I didn’t come over and cuddle with him when he asked. And I told him that was a cheep shot and that maybe that’s why he was a bad person because he was cheep, to push guilt to get affection. (I was fed up and tired and stupid, I shouldn’t have gone there)

my boyfriend cried a little and ten just left the room. I knew I had screwed up but ws going to make up in the morning, figuring that he had probably locked his bedroom door by now any way.

The next day was tense and at lunch he was there and I held in the tears I was still holding from the deathly silent car ride to work. I held it in that afternoon but at school I broke down again in front of a ‘friend’/ acquaintance. He probably didn’t even know what he was getting into when he asked how I was doing. He was very polite though and let me vent and cry. I say through my class putty and red as hell but there was nothing I could do. I just sucked it up and was fine by the time my boyfriend saw me again.

Then one week later at school I have a little breakdown over my boyfriend going Bowling at 10pm on a work night, after school. I am still not even sure why I cried so much. But I cried before school and during school. my boyfriend saw me this time and asked if it was because of him. but I couldn’t tell him why. I don’t even know why anymore.

Just tonight I had a computer problem with Microsoft word and I had to go get my boyfriend. And while his back was turned fixing my computer I was behind him on the bed choking back tears that I cant explain at all.

I almost wish I could get hurt just bad enough that I would have to go to the hospital and it would be iffy just long enough to make my boyfriend think he might lose me and tell me how he doesn’t want to lose me. That he loves me and doesn’t know how he would live with out me.

I don’t feel loved. I did for a little while this afternoon when we were tickling each other on his bed. But s soon ended so he could play computer games.

I also feel trapped in this house. I have no friends to go out with. And so I cant go out to eat unless I can convince my boyfriend or go by my self. And I can shop unless it’s by myself because I’ll never get my boyfriend to shop with me. The past two weekends he has not wanted to go anywhere or do anything and I am stuck to be alone if I want to go out or alone if I saty because he is plying on his computer.

I just feel so lost. I have no drive. I think I may take a term off at school and just get really depressed. I wish my boyfriend knows how I felt sometimes. I cant seem to find the right words to tell him how I feel. And when I wanted him to read my old journals he didn’t wan to. I was kinda hurt bu that. Why wouldn’t you want to know about the woman you love. Unless you don’t really love her as much as you think.

I could go on and on and I have so much more to say but I have top sleep now.

January 30, 2007

I am numb. I'm not sure whats going on. I go to work then I come home and eat and sleep and go to work again. Sometimes I go to school in between working and sleeping. My boyfriend and I don’t talk much any more. We have too much we time. There is no him and I there is only we. I am also jealous. He has friends and I am all alone. While I was in the bathroom earlier I actually contemplated what I would do if we broke up. What would I do with the wedding dress I already bought? Would I go crawling back to Minnesota? I think I would get a place here and take out loans for school. I would be very alone. Not much different than I am now. Buying that dress ruined everything. I jinxed the relationship. We don’t talk in the car. Because we have nothing to share that the other wasn’t there for. We live together and work together and go to school together.

Today he hung out with(lets call her Jane) Jane. A girl that used to work at the warehouse with us. He wouldn’t say who he was going to see till just when he was leaving. They apparently went to the mall and then had coffee at rendezvous. Sounds like a date. Then he came straight home and asked if I was ready to go out. He said we were going out with mike. We went and found mike in the university library, got dinner at Applebee’s where I had a huge margarita, and then got coffee at rendezvous. When I joked around with mike about my boyfriend’s little date, my boyfriend got really defensive. Alcohol makes me so depressed. I shouldn’t drink. I can't even act happy. I just want to cry. Anyway we came home from coffee and we went to our respective rooms I took off my shoes and coat. Then I went to the bathroom not 5 minutes have past and I go to my boyfriend's room to hang and talk ( maybe get some cuddling) and he’s sitting in the dark, on the phone with Jane, I think. Because he wouldn’t tell me who he was on the phone with, and he didn’t want me to turn on the light so I decided to leave. When he asked me what I had come in there for I just said to be with you. And he said Oh. And I looked at him, … and left.

I need friends. I have no one who knows me. my boyfriend is my only friend. He knows everything about me. He knows all the intimate details. I confide everything in him. I think he is growing bored with me. But he’s stuck with me because I live with him. And work with him, and go to school with him.

I can’t wait for my sister to come. She is coming to visit me for a week. I have a feeling that one of those days she will have to listen to some of this shit from me. I hope she’s up to the task.

I need a friend. Just one…please…
He is still in there talking to her.
I have no one.
I’m afraid of what will become of me if he leaves me.
I can’t even decide what I want for dinner never mind life choices by myself.

It is so cold in here. I bought this new computer. Well, my boyfriend bought it and I have to pay him back when I file my taxes. Hopefully I get back at least $500. last year I got $800. my new computer and graphics card come to about $700. and I have to pay off my semester which is $510 some time in the next month.
Correction person on the phone was one of his old guy friends from school. Still my boyfriend has no time for me.
I was still so mad I cleaned my bathroom... I know, weird!