January 30, 2007

I am numb. I'm not sure whats going on. I go to work then I come home and eat and sleep and go to work again. Sometimes I go to school in between working and sleeping. My boyfriend and I don’t talk much any more. We have too much we time. There is no him and I there is only we. I am also jealous. He has friends and I am all alone. While I was in the bathroom earlier I actually contemplated what I would do if we broke up. What would I do with the wedding dress I already bought? Would I go crawling back to Minnesota? I think I would get a place here and take out loans for school. I would be very alone. Not much different than I am now. Buying that dress ruined everything. I jinxed the relationship. We don’t talk in the car. Because we have nothing to share that the other wasn’t there for. We live together and work together and go to school together.

Today he hung out with(lets call her Jane) Jane. A girl that used to work at the warehouse with us. He wouldn’t say who he was going to see till just when he was leaving. They apparently went to the mall and then had coffee at rendezvous. Sounds like a date. Then he came straight home and asked if I was ready to go out. He said we were going out with mike. We went and found mike in the university library, got dinner at Applebee’s where I had a huge margarita, and then got coffee at rendezvous. When I joked around with mike about my boyfriend’s little date, my boyfriend got really defensive. Alcohol makes me so depressed. I shouldn’t drink. I can't even act happy. I just want to cry. Anyway we came home from coffee and we went to our respective rooms I took off my shoes and coat. Then I went to the bathroom not 5 minutes have past and I go to my boyfriend's room to hang and talk ( maybe get some cuddling) and he’s sitting in the dark, on the phone with Jane, I think. Because he wouldn’t tell me who he was on the phone with, and he didn’t want me to turn on the light so I decided to leave. When he asked me what I had come in there for I just said to be with you. And he said Oh. And I looked at him, … and left.

I need friends. I have no one who knows me. my boyfriend is my only friend. He knows everything about me. He knows all the intimate details. I confide everything in him. I think he is growing bored with me. But he’s stuck with me because I live with him. And work with him, and go to school with him.

I can’t wait for my sister to come. She is coming to visit me for a week. I have a feeling that one of those days she will have to listen to some of this shit from me. I hope she’s up to the task.

I need a friend. Just one…please…
He is still in there talking to her.
I have no one.
I’m afraid of what will become of me if he leaves me.
I can’t even decide what I want for dinner never mind life choices by myself.

It is so cold in here. I bought this new computer. Well, my boyfriend bought it and I have to pay him back when I file my taxes. Hopefully I get back at least $500. last year I got $800. my new computer and graphics card come to about $700. and I have to pay off my semester which is $510 some time in the next month.
Correction person on the phone was one of his old guy friends from school. Still my boyfriend has no time for me.
I was still so mad I cleaned my bathroom... I know, weird!