Fortune Cookie

I got a wonderful fortune cookie today. it said:

Those who wish to sing always find a song.

and the lucky numbers were:
10, 38, 22, 37, 2, 18

if you believe in that sort of thing.

Poetry

Sunday April 15, 2007

My head, it aches

My palms, they sweat

My voice and hands, they shake

My mind, it races

My eyes, they leak

My heart and soul, they break

April 1, 2007

Today I am feeling quite down. I have been having a lot of thoughts about getting hurt. I think about getting into a car accident and having to go to the hospital and having my boyfriend there worrying about me. I feel so insecure that I am nearly wishing for the most extreme validation possible that someone cares about ME. I just feel invisible and inconsequential and unwanted.

Recently, meaning the last two months my boyfriend and I have been having issues. After my last entry I had a nervous breakdown/anxiety attack at work over a lot of stuff. my boyfriend Had not been forthcoming with his thoughts and feelings as to why he would feel compelled to have secret or even just private friends that I couldn’t be friends with. Combined with a fight the night before and the four hours before my lunch break that day that came to a climax when my boyfriend decided not to come to lunch. He decided to avoid the whole situation by going out to his car. Well I snapped and was crying and blubbering and hyperventilating. It was would have been one of the most embarrassing days if I actually cared what the people at work think of me. (I think that I must think I’m better than them or something.)

I couldn’t even eat my food. I didn’t go back to work and sat through the next lunch slot. Still crying I asked a friend to get my boss, who let me go home.

I thought that valentines day was just what the doctor ordered even though I was still sick. I have never been so sick in my life as I have been in the last year and a half. I think it has to be related to stress or maybe depression I'm not sure. However, our valentines day which was actually celebrated the day after because we both had class, was very nice. my boyfriend and I seemed like we were back from where ever we had gone. It was great.

But the same old problems showed up again this month. my boyfriend and I had a talk one evening and he ended up bring up an issue that he has shared with ne before. About how he has never been with any other girl. And how the idea of never being able to be with any other girl is distressing. And to put the cherry on the cake he said he feels trapped with me. OMG!

He played his usual cards of coming into the room and demanding for me to stop what im doing and come over and cuddle with him immediately. And when I don’t immediately jump up and fly across the room he claims that I don’t love him. then he goes into the “I’m a bad person” rant and I have to tell him that he’s not a bad person, and how he is a good person. Then he makes it about me. He says something like he is stuck with me because he is a bad person. And that he never gets what he wants, EVER!

How am I expected to be cherry and still be the one trying to help him when he is blatantly attacking me.

Well I got flustered and even more so when he started asking permission to be with other girls and still be able to have me. I was hurt and pissed and confused. We talked for a long time mostly about him and how he feels. I asked him if he wanted to be with me forever. And he said nothing. I said “but I sure that I want to be with you forever. Why aren’t you sure?” and he said he used to be sure, before he stopped accepting things so much. I'm not even sure what that was supposed to mean. The conversation was running late and we had work the next day so were making nice to go get some sleep and we were talking about how the “fight” started. And he said it started because I didn’t come over and cuddle with him when he asked. And I told him that was a cheep shot and that maybe that’s why he was a bad person because he was cheep, to push guilt to get affection. (I was fed up and tired and stupid, I shouldn’t have gone there)

my boyfriend cried a little and ten just left the room. I knew I had screwed up but ws going to make up in the morning, figuring that he had probably locked his bedroom door by now any way.

The next day was tense and at lunch he was there and I held in the tears I was still holding from the deathly silent car ride to work. I held it in that afternoon but at school I broke down again in front of a ‘friend’/ acquaintance. He probably didn’t even know what he was getting into when he asked how I was doing. He was very polite though and let me vent and cry. I say through my class putty and red as hell but there was nothing I could do. I just sucked it up and was fine by the time my boyfriend saw me again.

Then one week later at school I have a little breakdown over my boyfriend going Bowling at 10pm on a work night, after school. I am still not even sure why I cried so much. But I cried before school and during school. my boyfriend saw me this time and asked if it was because of him. but I couldn’t tell him why. I don’t even know why anymore.

Just tonight I had a computer problem with Microsoft word and I had to go get my boyfriend. And while his back was turned fixing my computer I was behind him on the bed choking back tears that I cant explain at all.

I almost wish I could get hurt just bad enough that I would have to go to the hospital and it would be iffy just long enough to make my boyfriend think he might lose me and tell me how he doesn’t want to lose me. That he loves me and doesn’t know how he would live with out me.

I don’t feel loved. I did for a little while this afternoon when we were tickling each other on his bed. But s soon ended so he could play computer games.

I also feel trapped in this house. I have no friends to go out with. And so I cant go out to eat unless I can convince my boyfriend or go by my self. And I can shop unless it’s by myself because I’ll never get my boyfriend to shop with me. The past two weekends he has not wanted to go anywhere or do anything and I am stuck to be alone if I want to go out or alone if I saty because he is plying on his computer.

I just feel so lost. I have no drive. I think I may take a term off at school and just get really depressed. I wish my boyfriend knows how I felt sometimes. I cant seem to find the right words to tell him how I feel. And when I wanted him to read my old journals he didn’t wan to. I was kinda hurt bu that. Why wouldn’t you want to know about the woman you love. Unless you don’t really love her as much as you think.

I could go on and on and I have so much more to say but I have top sleep now.