I must admit that I am a little hurt. Even if it did violate a copyright there is no reason to treat their vloggers with such disrespect as to not even notify they are deleting one of their creations.
Showing posts with label nessa285. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nessa285. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Live Video’s Protection or Censorship?
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Experiencing Career Purgatory
I never thought I would be trying to find a new industry at such a young age. But When you work full time and go to college part time you accumulate a lot of customer service experience that you cant escape from. my resume looks like I should be an amazing salesman. Don’t get me wrong, I am pretty good if I do say so myself, but that is not what I want to do with my life. I am sure most of you can say that they had this feeling at least once in your lives.
I have been going on interview left and right. Either every thing is a sales job or is only a few steps up from "would you like fries with that." I am surrounded by people that feel the same but for whatever reason have to stay where they are and are just making the best of it. Not me! I need to be free, free of the oppression of being at the beckon call of the customer. Who is not always right by the way, but you didn’t here that from me.
I have tried my hand at big box retail, commissioned consultant work, technical support, warehouse work, banking, it is all the same and I am tired of it. I am going to have a degree in Psychology and I am barely qualified to make change for a twenty.
I took a horribly simplified personality training class. Seeing as I have taken more personality test than is probably healthy for one person to take. I just sat back and watched the rest of my coworkers ooed and awed as things about themselves were becoming reviled to them. The woman who lead the class was trying to dumb it down I could tell. Nevertheless, I could tell that she was getting the same joy form telling people the little things about them selves that they apparently could not pick out on their own.
I thought to my self that I would like to do something like that some day. Not be a trainer in some company but use psychology and personality analysis to help place people in positions and put bosses in charge of the tight people. The possibilities are endless. You could tailor your every action as a manager to properly manage each employee under you in a unique way that is best for them.
However, I will have to work my way up the food chain in some company before I can work my way into such a position. Or continue with my education and get my PhD in psychology so some big company can hire me to just do their hiring. I know that no employer cares how many big screen TVs I sold or how may Brides I dressed. It's all about experience and I have all the wrong kinds for what I want to do.
A bunch of my friends form high school are graduating from college this spring and are also experiencing problems with experience. Their problem is that they have none. They have never really had a full time job, had to punch in and out, worry about how many sick days they have, or enroll in the companies insurance and 401k programs. They have been living in a dorm for the last 4 years and have studied, hung out and partied their time away. How are they supposed to get into the work force when every job position requires 2-4 years of related experience?
Employers are only asking for that experience now that it is the norm for people to have at least some kind of degree. It used to be that the norm was only a high school education and that the college education was the exception. Now experience is the new golden ticket and it can lead you into job heaven, job hell, or in my case career purgatory.
I have been going on interview left and right. Either every thing is a sales job or is only a few steps up from "would you like fries with that." I am surrounded by people that feel the same but for whatever reason have to stay where they are and are just making the best of it. Not me! I need to be free, free of the oppression of being at the beckon call of the customer. Who is not always right by the way, but you didn’t here that from me.
I have tried my hand at big box retail, commissioned consultant work, technical support, warehouse work, banking, it is all the same and I am tired of it. I am going to have a degree in Psychology and I am barely qualified to make change for a twenty.
I took a horribly simplified personality training class. Seeing as I have taken more personality test than is probably healthy for one person to take. I just sat back and watched the rest of my coworkers ooed and awed as things about themselves were becoming reviled to them. The woman who lead the class was trying to dumb it down I could tell. Nevertheless, I could tell that she was getting the same joy form telling people the little things about them selves that they apparently could not pick out on their own.
I thought to my self that I would like to do something like that some day. Not be a trainer in some company but use psychology and personality analysis to help place people in positions and put bosses in charge of the tight people. The possibilities are endless. You could tailor your every action as a manager to properly manage each employee under you in a unique way that is best for them.
However, I will have to work my way up the food chain in some company before I can work my way into such a position. Or continue with my education and get my PhD in psychology so some big company can hire me to just do their hiring. I know that no employer cares how many big screen TVs I sold or how may Brides I dressed. It's all about experience and I have all the wrong kinds for what I want to do.
A bunch of my friends form high school are graduating from college this spring and are also experiencing problems with experience. Their problem is that they have none. They have never really had a full time job, had to punch in and out, worry about how many sick days they have, or enroll in the companies insurance and 401k programs. They have been living in a dorm for the last 4 years and have studied, hung out and partied their time away. How are they supposed to get into the work force when every job position requires 2-4 years of related experience?
Employers are only asking for that experience now that it is the norm for people to have at least some kind of degree. It used to be that the norm was only a high school education and that the college education was the exception. Now experience is the new golden ticket and it can lead you into job heaven, job hell, or in my case career purgatory.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Women Drivers
I was thinking about trying to conduct a new study. I have a particularly good vantage point to observe people on a daily basis. I hope to gather data about drivers, specifically female drivers. I am not truing to be a traitor to my sex but I cant help but notice the obvious.
Every day I see women driving huge vehicles into things. The fact of the matter is women have less over all spatial skill than men. This is a proven trend in psychology and biology and is being demonstrated everyday out my window. But that does not mean that they should be poor drivers. Anyone can learn to be a good driver in any size vehicle. What I suspect is the problem might be is that they are not trying prefect their driving by learning the size and capabilities of their specific vehicle.
I have to say that I do feel a little guilty about ganging up on my sisters but if they would just spend some time to learn the size of their vehicles then I might not be all over them like this. Everyday I watch those Suburbans and Expeditions squeeze crookedly into parking spaces, graze their side view mirrors in the bank drive thru and make six point, parallel parking attempts only to give up when they get embarrassed that they have been blocking traffic for seven minutes.
I do not admit to being a perfect driver or that all women should be. I don’t drive a vehicles the size of a medium pacaderm. I drive a little Saturn and like it very much. I don’t think I could drive a big car never mind what could be a transport for six linebackers.
Furthermore, what excuse can you use for a "sport utility vehicle" that has never seen any obstacle bigger than a pot whole. Do Soccer moms need to be able to scale a thirty degree dirt hill while they take their kids to dance lessons?
To be completely fair women are not only bad drivers. Why, just last week I watched a DHL driver crunch the top of his trick open like a sardine can on one of those clearance bars and just speed off embarrassed. But more often than not men's traffic offences are limited to speeding and occasionally cutting me off. Where as women’s mistakes seem to be lack of awareness either of the size or location of their vehicles.
I am going to keep a log of the sex type of vehicle and type of mistake I see drivers make. I think this could be a fun experiment. I hope to disprove my beliefs about women in SUVs. But I have a suspicion that it will be confirmed.
Every day I see women driving huge vehicles into things. The fact of the matter is women have less over all spatial skill than men. This is a proven trend in psychology and biology and is being demonstrated everyday out my window. But that does not mean that they should be poor drivers. Anyone can learn to be a good driver in any size vehicle. What I suspect is the problem might be is that they are not trying prefect their driving by learning the size and capabilities of their specific vehicle.
I have to say that I do feel a little guilty about ganging up on my sisters but if they would just spend some time to learn the size of their vehicles then I might not be all over them like this. Everyday I watch those Suburbans and Expeditions squeeze crookedly into parking spaces, graze their side view mirrors in the bank drive thru and make six point, parallel parking attempts only to give up when they get embarrassed that they have been blocking traffic for seven minutes.
I do not admit to being a perfect driver or that all women should be. I don’t drive a vehicles the size of a medium pacaderm. I drive a little Saturn and like it very much. I don’t think I could drive a big car never mind what could be a transport for six linebackers.
Furthermore, what excuse can you use for a "sport utility vehicle" that has never seen any obstacle bigger than a pot whole. Do Soccer moms need to be able to scale a thirty degree dirt hill while they take their kids to dance lessons?
To be completely fair women are not only bad drivers. Why, just last week I watched a DHL driver crunch the top of his trick open like a sardine can on one of those clearance bars and just speed off embarrassed. But more often than not men's traffic offences are limited to speeding and occasionally cutting me off. Where as women’s mistakes seem to be lack of awareness either of the size or location of their vehicles.
I am going to keep a log of the sex type of vehicle and type of mistake I see drivers make. I think this could be a fun experiment. I hope to disprove my beliefs about women in SUVs. But I have a suspicion that it will be confirmed.
Monday, September 24, 2007
I am Going to be on TV
I am apperaing on a tv show next month!
The show is called Online Nation
it's one of those compilation shows of clips from the internet.
The show aired last Sunday September 23st 2007
I will be on the show on the 21st of October
the station is:
and the Show is on on Sundays 7:30 est/6:30 cst
Watch for my intros on the 21st of October
It is my fifteen minutes of fame.
This might only happen once in my life!
The show is called Online Nation
it's one of those compilation shows of clips from the internet.
The show aired last Sunday September 23st 2007
I will be on the show on the 21st of October
the station is:
and the Show is on on Sundays 7:30 est/6:30 cst
Watch for my intros on the 21st of October
It is my fifteen minutes of fame.
This might only happen once in my life!
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
A Summer of New Beginnings
And So Starts My New Life
So starts my new adult life. I am finally going to leave the comforts and safety of a parental watch and really be independent. Moving out of My BF's parents house will be bitter-sweet. On one hand there were times when I felt like walking out. But they really do love me like a daughter and just want the best for me. With help from my Mother's Prayer and God Himself, We will be out of the house by September. All depends on my BF getting a job. I will be able to one, no problem! He is the deciding factor. We are both pretty sure that we will be moving and that my BF is a ringer for the position he has applied for so we scheduled to look for apartments and duplexes this coming Saturday. As of today I have made 3 appointments. Our Saturday is filling up. I cant wait to get of my current employer. I really do nothing for the company what so ever. I just sit at my desk and surf the web. They will probably be happy to see me go. Today even my boss noticed how there was really nothing for me to do and told me to just come back after lunch. Because wouldn't have anything for me to do until then. I was more than happy to go get some stuff done instead of waist time at my desk. I have been having a lot of fun collecting and investigating all the things we will need for our new place. While I was out I got some basic cleaning supplies and laundry stuff so that we have supplies to do chores when we move in. We are going to try and move in just two weeks while my Bf and I are still employed at out current employer. The company My BF is applying to is surprised that we could relocate in just that two weeks. But they don't know that when My BF puts in his notice he will not have to work the two weeks. That is just the way that this company is. So we are planning to rent a U-Haul and just take one trip. The only thing that has been bothering me is the fact that he has not been real supportive of all the work I have been doing to find us a place. I have been risking being found out at work by searching listings at my desk. But only because he has work and school and no time to look himself. If I Didn't to it then it wouldn't get done. But he has been constantly questioning my choices. It seems as though the ones I find cant be good enough. I am feeling a little Guilty about leaving my current employer so soon after my promotion. But not because of the impact on the company but to my coworkers. I really do like everyone and my friend Shon especially. Shon is the only person I would really call a friend in the office. I will miss him a lot when I leave. I had an review today but because I am so new it was more like an overview of the job I will be expected to do when I am fully trained. The funniest thing is that I will not be with the company next year to get reviewed anyway. Because I plan on putting in my notice as soon as we know if my BF has the job. He really wouldn't like hearing that. he is very sensible. But I really and truly cant stand to be without him. I will not live another long distance relationship again! I have to be with him! I love him with all my heart and soul. I know that sounds cheesy but I really can’t live without him. When we are separated I feel like part of me is missing. I also know this is in stark contrast to some of my other posts. But I tend to complain therapeutically in these blogs just to get things off my chest and I forget to blog about the better stuff. In reality for every one thing that he does that makes me mad he does ten things that make me melt with happiness. He is the most wonderful man in the world and you can't have him.
And on that note I bid you all goodnight!
So starts my new adult life. I am finally going to leave the comforts and safety of a parental watch and really be independent. Moving out of My BF's parents house will be bitter-sweet. On one hand there were times when I felt like walking out. But they really do love me like a daughter and just want the best for me. With help from my Mother's Prayer and God Himself, We will be out of the house by September. All depends on my BF getting a job. I will be able to one, no problem! He is the deciding factor. We are both pretty sure that we will be moving and that my BF is a ringer for the position he has applied for so we scheduled to look for apartments and duplexes this coming Saturday. As of today I have made 3 appointments. Our Saturday is filling up. I cant wait to get of my current employer. I really do nothing for the company what so ever. I just sit at my desk and surf the web. They will probably be happy to see me go. Today even my boss noticed how there was really nothing for me to do and told me to just come back after lunch. Because wouldn't have anything for me to do until then. I was more than happy to go get some stuff done instead of waist time at my desk. I have been having a lot of fun collecting and investigating all the things we will need for our new place. While I was out I got some basic cleaning supplies and laundry stuff so that we have supplies to do chores when we move in. We are going to try and move in just two weeks while my Bf and I are still employed at out current employer. The company My BF is applying to is surprised that we could relocate in just that two weeks. But they don't know that when My BF puts in his notice he will not have to work the two weeks. That is just the way that this company is. So we are planning to rent a U-Haul and just take one trip. The only thing that has been bothering me is the fact that he has not been real supportive of all the work I have been doing to find us a place. I have been risking being found out at work by searching listings at my desk. But only because he has work and school and no time to look himself. If I Didn't to it then it wouldn't get done. But he has been constantly questioning my choices. It seems as though the ones I find cant be good enough. I am feeling a little Guilty about leaving my current employer so soon after my promotion. But not because of the impact on the company but to my coworkers. I really do like everyone and my friend Shon especially. Shon is the only person I would really call a friend in the office. I will miss him a lot when I leave. I had an review today but because I am so new it was more like an overview of the job I will be expected to do when I am fully trained. The funniest thing is that I will not be with the company next year to get reviewed anyway. Because I plan on putting in my notice as soon as we know if my BF has the job. He really wouldn't like hearing that. he is very sensible. But I really and truly cant stand to be without him. I will not live another long distance relationship again! I have to be with him! I love him with all my heart and soul. I know that sounds cheesy but I really can’t live without him. When we are separated I feel like part of me is missing. I also know this is in stark contrast to some of my other posts. But I tend to complain therapeutically in these blogs just to get things off my chest and I forget to blog about the better stuff. In reality for every one thing that he does that makes me mad he does ten things that make me melt with happiness. He is the most wonderful man in the world and you can't have him.
And on that note I bid you all goodnight!
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Fortune Cookie
I got a wonderful fortune cookie today. it said:
Those who wish to sing always find a song.
Those who wish to sing always find a song.
and the lucky numbers were:
10, 38, 22, 37, 2, 18
if you believe in that sort of thing.
10, 38, 22, 37, 2, 18
if you believe in that sort of thing.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Poetry
My head, it aches
My palms, they sweat
My voice and hands, they shake
My mind, it races
My eyes, they leak
My heart and soul, they break
Sunday, April 1, 2007
April 1, 2007
Today I am feeling quite down. I have been having a lot of thoughts about getting hurt. I think about getting into a car accident and having to go to the hospital and having my boyfriend there worrying about me. I feel so insecure that I am nearly wishing for the most extreme validation possible that someone cares about ME. I just feel invisible and inconsequential and unwanted.
Recently, meaning the last two months my boyfriend and I have been having issues. After my last entry I had a nervous breakdown/anxiety attack at work over a lot of stuff. my boyfriend Had not been forthcoming with his thoughts and feelings as to why he would feel compelled to have secret or even just private friends that I couldn’t be friends with. Combined with a fight the night before and the four hours before my lunch break that day that came to a climax when my boyfriend decided not to come to lunch. He decided to avoid the whole situation by going out to his car. Well I snapped and was crying and blubbering and hyperventilating. It was would have been one of the most embarrassing days if I actually cared what the people at work think of me. (I think that I must think I’m better than them or something.)
I couldn’t even eat my food. I didn’t go back to work and sat through the next lunch slot. Still crying I asked a friend to get my boss, who let me go home.
I thought that valentines day was just what the doctor ordered even though I was still sick. I have never been so sick in my life as I have been in the last year and a half. I think it has to be related to stress or maybe depression I'm not sure. However, our valentines day which was actually celebrated the day after because we both had class, was very nice. my boyfriend and I seemed like we were back from where ever we had gone. It was great.
But the same old problems showed up again this month. my boyfriend and I had a talk one evening and he ended up bring up an issue that he has shared with ne before. About how he has never been with any other girl. And how the idea of never being able to be with any other girl is distressing. And to put the cherry on the cake he said he feels trapped with me. OMG!
He played his usual cards of coming into the room and demanding for me to stop what im doing and come over and cuddle with him immediately. And when I don’t immediately jump up and fly across the room he claims that I don’t love him. then he goes into the “I’m a bad person” rant and I have to tell him that he’s not a bad person, and how he is a good person. Then he makes it about me. He says something like he is stuck with me because he is a bad person. And that he never gets what he wants, EVER!
How am I expected to be cherry and still be the one trying to help him when he is blatantly attacking me.
Well I got flustered and even more so when he started asking permission to be with other girls and still be able to have me. I was hurt and pissed and confused. We talked for a long time mostly about him and how he feels. I asked him if he wanted to be with me forever. And he said nothing. I said “but I sure that I want to be with you forever. Why aren’t you sure?” and he said he used to be sure, before he stopped accepting things so much. I'm not even sure what that was supposed to mean. The conversation was running late and we had work the next day so were making nice to go get some sleep and we were talking about how the “fight” started. And he said it started because I didn’t come over and cuddle with him when he asked. And I told him that was a cheep shot and that maybe that’s why he was a bad person because he was cheep, to push guilt to get affection. (I was fed up and tired and stupid, I shouldn’t have gone there)
my boyfriend cried a little and ten just left the room. I knew I had screwed up but ws going to make up in the morning, figuring that he had probably locked his bedroom door by now any way.
The next day was tense and at lunch he was there and I held in the tears I was still holding from the deathly silent car ride to work. I held it in that afternoon but at school I broke down again in front of a ‘friend’/ acquaintance. He probably didn’t even know what he was getting into when he asked how I was doing. He was very polite though and let me vent and cry. I say through my class putty and red as hell but there was nothing I could do. I just sucked it up and was fine by the time my boyfriend saw me again.
Then one week later at school I have a little breakdown over my boyfriend going Bowling at 10pm on a work night, after school. I am still not even sure why I cried so much. But I cried before school and during school. my boyfriend saw me this time and asked if it was because of him. but I couldn’t tell him why. I don’t even know why anymore.
Just tonight I had a computer problem with Microsoft word and I had to go get my boyfriend. And while his back was turned fixing my computer I was behind him on the bed choking back tears that I cant explain at all.
I almost wish I could get hurt just bad enough that I would have to go to the hospital and it would be iffy just long enough to make my boyfriend think he might lose me and tell me how he doesn’t want to lose me. That he loves me and doesn’t know how he would live with out me.
I don’t feel loved. I did for a little while this afternoon when we were tickling each other on his bed. But s soon ended so he could play computer games.
I also feel trapped in this house. I have no friends to go out with. And so I cant go out to eat unless I can convince my boyfriend or go by my self. And I can shop unless it’s by myself because I’ll never get my boyfriend to shop with me. The past two weekends he has not wanted to go anywhere or do anything and I am stuck to be alone if I want to go out or alone if I saty because he is plying on his computer.
I just feel so lost. I have no drive. I think I may take a term off at school and just get really depressed. I wish my boyfriend knows how I felt sometimes. I cant seem to find the right words to tell him how I feel. And when I wanted him to read my old journals he didn’t wan to. I was kinda hurt bu that. Why wouldn’t you want to know about the woman you love. Unless you don’t really love her as much as you think.
I could go on and on and I have so much more to say but I have top sleep now.
Recently, meaning the last two months my boyfriend and I have been having issues. After my last entry I had a nervous breakdown/anxiety attack at work over a lot of stuff. my boyfriend Had not been forthcoming with his thoughts and feelings as to why he would feel compelled to have secret or even just private friends that I couldn’t be friends with. Combined with a fight the night before and the four hours before my lunch break that day that came to a climax when my boyfriend decided not to come to lunch. He decided to avoid the whole situation by going out to his car. Well I snapped and was crying and blubbering and hyperventilating. It was would have been one of the most embarrassing days if I actually cared what the people at work think of me. (I think that I must think I’m better than them or something.)
I couldn’t even eat my food. I didn’t go back to work and sat through the next lunch slot. Still crying I asked a friend to get my boss, who let me go home.
I thought that valentines day was just what the doctor ordered even though I was still sick. I have never been so sick in my life as I have been in the last year and a half. I think it has to be related to stress or maybe depression I'm not sure. However, our valentines day which was actually celebrated the day after because we both had class, was very nice. my boyfriend and I seemed like we were back from where ever we had gone. It was great.
But the same old problems showed up again this month. my boyfriend and I had a talk one evening and he ended up bring up an issue that he has shared with ne before. About how he has never been with any other girl. And how the idea of never being able to be with any other girl is distressing. And to put the cherry on the cake he said he feels trapped with me. OMG!
He played his usual cards of coming into the room and demanding for me to stop what im doing and come over and cuddle with him immediately. And when I don’t immediately jump up and fly across the room he claims that I don’t love him. then he goes into the “I’m a bad person” rant and I have to tell him that he’s not a bad person, and how he is a good person. Then he makes it about me. He says something like he is stuck with me because he is a bad person. And that he never gets what he wants, EVER!
How am I expected to be cherry and still be the one trying to help him when he is blatantly attacking me.
Well I got flustered and even more so when he started asking permission to be with other girls and still be able to have me. I was hurt and pissed and confused. We talked for a long time mostly about him and how he feels. I asked him if he wanted to be with me forever. And he said nothing. I said “but I sure that I want to be with you forever. Why aren’t you sure?” and he said he used to be sure, before he stopped accepting things so much. I'm not even sure what that was supposed to mean. The conversation was running late and we had work the next day so were making nice to go get some sleep and we were talking about how the “fight” started. And he said it started because I didn’t come over and cuddle with him when he asked. And I told him that was a cheep shot and that maybe that’s why he was a bad person because he was cheep, to push guilt to get affection. (I was fed up and tired and stupid, I shouldn’t have gone there)
my boyfriend cried a little and ten just left the room. I knew I had screwed up but ws going to make up in the morning, figuring that he had probably locked his bedroom door by now any way.
The next day was tense and at lunch he was there and I held in the tears I was still holding from the deathly silent car ride to work. I held it in that afternoon but at school I broke down again in front of a ‘friend’/ acquaintance. He probably didn’t even know what he was getting into when he asked how I was doing. He was very polite though and let me vent and cry. I say through my class putty and red as hell but there was nothing I could do. I just sucked it up and was fine by the time my boyfriend saw me again.
Then one week later at school I have a little breakdown over my boyfriend going Bowling at 10pm on a work night, after school. I am still not even sure why I cried so much. But I cried before school and during school. my boyfriend saw me this time and asked if it was because of him. but I couldn’t tell him why. I don’t even know why anymore.
Just tonight I had a computer problem with Microsoft word and I had to go get my boyfriend. And while his back was turned fixing my computer I was behind him on the bed choking back tears that I cant explain at all.
I almost wish I could get hurt just bad enough that I would have to go to the hospital and it would be iffy just long enough to make my boyfriend think he might lose me and tell me how he doesn’t want to lose me. That he loves me and doesn’t know how he would live with out me.
I don’t feel loved. I did for a little while this afternoon when we were tickling each other on his bed. But s soon ended so he could play computer games.
I also feel trapped in this house. I have no friends to go out with. And so I cant go out to eat unless I can convince my boyfriend or go by my self. And I can shop unless it’s by myself because I’ll never get my boyfriend to shop with me. The past two weekends he has not wanted to go anywhere or do anything and I am stuck to be alone if I want to go out or alone if I saty because he is plying on his computer.
I just feel so lost. I have no drive. I think I may take a term off at school and just get really depressed. I wish my boyfriend knows how I felt sometimes. I cant seem to find the right words to tell him how I feel. And when I wanted him to read my old journals he didn’t wan to. I was kinda hurt bu that. Why wouldn’t you want to know about the woman you love. Unless you don’t really love her as much as you think.
I could go on and on and I have so much more to say but I have top sleep now.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
January 30, 2007
I am numb. I'm not sure whats going on. I go to work then I come home and eat and sleep and go to work again. Sometimes I go to school in between working and sleeping. My boyfriend and I don’t talk much any more. We have too much we time. There is no him and I there is only we. I am also jealous. He has friends and I am all alone. While I was in the bathroom earlier I actually contemplated what I would do if we broke up. What would I do with the wedding dress I already bought? Would I go crawling back to Minnesota? I think I would get a place here and take out loans for school. I would be very alone. Not much different than I am now. Buying that dress ruined everything. I jinxed the relationship. We don’t talk in the car. Because we have nothing to share that the other wasn’t there for. We live together and work together and go to school together.
Today he hung out with(lets call her Jane) Jane. A girl that used to work at the warehouse with us. He wouldn’t say who he was going to see till just when he was leaving. They apparently went to the mall and then had coffee at rendezvous. Sounds like a date. Then he came straight home and asked if I was ready to go out. He said we were going out with mike. We went and found mike in the university library, got dinner at Applebee’s where I had a huge margarita, and then got coffee at rendezvous. When I joked around with mike about my boyfriend’s little date, my boyfriend got really defensive. Alcohol makes me so depressed. I shouldn’t drink. I can't even act happy. I just want to cry. Anyway we came home from coffee and we went to our respective rooms I took off my shoes and coat. Then I went to the bathroom not 5 minutes have past and I go to my boyfriend's room to hang and talk ( maybe get some cuddling) and he’s sitting in the dark, on the phone with Jane, I think. Because he wouldn’t tell me who he was on the phone with, and he didn’t want me to turn on the light so I decided to leave. When he asked me what I had come in there for I just said to be with you. And he said Oh. And I looked at him, … and left.
I need friends. I have no one who knows me. my boyfriend is my only friend. He knows everything about me. He knows all the intimate details. I confide everything in him. I think he is growing bored with me. But he’s stuck with me because I live with him. And work with him, and go to school with him.
I can’t wait for my sister to come. She is coming to visit me for a week. I have a feeling that one of those days she will have to listen to some of this shit from me. I hope she’s up to the task.
I need a friend. Just one…please…
He is still in there talking to her.
I have no one.
I’m afraid of what will become of me if he leaves me.
I can’t even decide what I want for dinner never mind life choices by myself.
It is so cold in here. I bought this new computer. Well, my boyfriend bought it and I have to pay him back when I file my taxes. Hopefully I get back at least $500. last year I got $800. my new computer and graphics card come to about $700. and I have to pay off my semester which is $510 some time in the next month.
Correction person on the phone was one of his old guy friends from school. Still my boyfriend has no time for me.
I was still so mad I cleaned my bathroom... I know, weird!
Today he hung out with(lets call her Jane) Jane. A girl that used to work at the warehouse with us. He wouldn’t say who he was going to see till just when he was leaving. They apparently went to the mall and then had coffee at rendezvous. Sounds like a date. Then he came straight home and asked if I was ready to go out. He said we were going out with mike. We went and found mike in the university library, got dinner at Applebee’s where I had a huge margarita, and then got coffee at rendezvous. When I joked around with mike about my boyfriend’s little date, my boyfriend got really defensive. Alcohol makes me so depressed. I shouldn’t drink. I can't even act happy. I just want to cry. Anyway we came home from coffee and we went to our respective rooms I took off my shoes and coat. Then I went to the bathroom not 5 minutes have past and I go to my boyfriend's room to hang and talk ( maybe get some cuddling) and he’s sitting in the dark, on the phone with Jane, I think. Because he wouldn’t tell me who he was on the phone with, and he didn’t want me to turn on the light so I decided to leave. When he asked me what I had come in there for I just said to be with you. And he said Oh. And I looked at him, … and left.
I need friends. I have no one who knows me. my boyfriend is my only friend. He knows everything about me. He knows all the intimate details. I confide everything in him. I think he is growing bored with me. But he’s stuck with me because I live with him. And work with him, and go to school with him.
I can’t wait for my sister to come. She is coming to visit me for a week. I have a feeling that one of those days she will have to listen to some of this shit from me. I hope she’s up to the task.
I need a friend. Just one…please…
He is still in there talking to her.
I have no one.
I’m afraid of what will become of me if he leaves me.
I can’t even decide what I want for dinner never mind life choices by myself.
It is so cold in here. I bought this new computer. Well, my boyfriend bought it and I have to pay him back when I file my taxes. Hopefully I get back at least $500. last year I got $800. my new computer and graphics card come to about $700. and I have to pay off my semester which is $510 some time in the next month.
Correction person on the phone was one of his old guy friends from school. Still my boyfriend has no time for me.
I was still so mad I cleaned my bathroom... I know, weird!
Thursday, December 21, 2006
December 21, 2006
My month has been hectic! This past month at the warehouse has scheduled 12 hours of overtime so far. I am sure there will be at least another 6 the week after Christmas. Maybe we will even be working Saturday 30th.
Any way, the past 2 weeks have been a struggle to take finals, pay tuition, buy Christmas gifts, wrap gifts, mail gifts, work, work, and more work, as well as fight off the creepy drooling, horny men that work at the warehouse. On the up side Will said he thinks I’m “sexy as hell”, that made me feel good. And he thinks I’m smart.
I am kind of jealous of an old friend lets caller Megan. She is pregnant. A friend told us when we picked him up from
My boyfriend and I are a bit rocky lately. We are both so stressed out about work and school and Christmas that we are taking it out on each other. In
I wrapped Will’s Present. We got him a plack that says “the problem with the gene pool is that there are no life guards” and My boyfriend just added the bowling for soup album. I think its too much. Because Will doesn’t know that we were going to get him anything and then we spring a gift on him on the Friday before Christmas. Shame on us!! I almost think we should have warned him or that we should just wait till after Christmas. O well, its off to bed. I got to work at
Friday, December 8, 2006
December 8th 2006
I turned 21 last Sunday. It snows 18 inches of snow in
Today is the first free time I’ve had since my birthday. But I probably won’t go out anywhere fun this weekend either. I can’t go out because of a few reasons. Number one is my boyfriend doesn’t like going out. Number two is because I have finals next week and need to study. And number three is that I am too broke to go out anyway. I have to pay $1,200 to the school. I still have to buy Christmas presents for my family as well.
I just feel like I am missing out on my youth. I grew up too fast. All my old friends are partying and I am working. Plus I have no real friends down here. my boyfriend doesn’t count as a friend. I mean someone who I can talk to, hang out with. I have no one. I am lonely. I am tired. I am freezing.
I need to move on to something else. I need to get married and move away from this house. I want to start some place new and make friends. God, I want friends.
I was thinking about posting my thoughts on Facebook but last time I did that I actually got feedback. And for some reason I didn’t like it. I don’t think I want anybody to know m unhappy. Yet I write it down like I’m talking to someone. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My room is freezing! I am so cold.
Mom and I bought my wedding dress while I was up in
I am still quite disappointed about my 21st birthday. It was just another day. I’m just sitting here at the keyboard not knowing what to say to explain why I am welling up but I am. I feel like I’m trapped. Especially now because I am snows in with a wall of ice so I can,t go anywhere without my boyfriend. And he wont take me anywhere.
I had a dream that My Boyfriend and I decided to just go ahead and get married. And while I was in the bathroom getting ready I realized I didn't want to call my mother and tell her I got married without her. It would break her heart. I told my boyfriend, in the dream, I cant get married without my mother there. He said but you like my family better why do you want her here? –what could all that mean. When I told my boyfriend in real life about it he said, well I'm not putting those thoughts in your head.
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