Poetry

Sunday April 15, 2007

My head, it aches

My palms, they sweat

My voice and hands, they shake

My mind, it races

My eyes, they leak

My heart and soul, they break

December 8th 2006

I turned 21 last Sunday. It snows 18 inches of snow in Missouri just two days prior. Needless to say I did not go out to celebrate. I stayed in and had a nice dinner, received gifts from my boyfriend and his family, and watched Get Shorty. I had a mixed drink at dinner: one part Canadian blended whiskey and 2 parts Coke. I didn’t drink anything else. I even got to bed early because I had to work in the morning. my boyfriend tried to make up for it by taking me out for dinner on Wednesday to La Casa Grande. I did get to order a modest 17oz Margarita. They didn’t even card me.

Today is the first free time I’ve had since my birthday. But I probably won’t go out anywhere fun this weekend either. I can’t go out because of a few reasons. Number one is my boyfriend doesn’t like going out. Number two is because I have finals next week and need to study. And number three is that I am too broke to go out anyway. I have to pay $1,200 to the school. I still have to buy Christmas presents for my family as well.

I just feel like I am missing out on my youth. I grew up too fast. All my old friends are partying and I am working. Plus I have no real friends down here. my boyfriend doesn’t count as a friend. I mean someone who I can talk to, hang out with. I have no one. I am lonely. I am tired. I am freezing.

I need to move on to something else. I need to get married and move away from this house. I want to start some place new and make friends. God, I want friends.

I was thinking about posting my thoughts on Facebook but last time I did that I actually got feedback. And for some reason I didn’t like it. I don’t think I want anybody to know m unhappy. Yet I write it down like I’m talking to someone. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My room is freezing! I am so cold.

Mom and I bought my wedding dress while I was up in Minnesota for Thanksgiving. It was the one I was looking at on Pronovias.com. Its part of their 2007 Glamor collection. Its name is Ebano. I had to order a size 6 because they don’t make it any smaller. They measured me and they said the closest size would have been a 4 but it was just ever so slightly too big. At least this way I don’t have to work about gaining weight. I can always have it altered down. I can't wait to really plan a wedding.

I am still quite disappointed about my 21^st birthday. It was just another day. I’m just sitting here at the keyboard not knowing what to say to explain why I am welling up but I am. I feel like I’m trapped. Especially now because I am snows in with a wall of ice so I can,t go anywhere without my boyfriend. And he wont take me anywhere.

I had a dream that My Boyfriend and I decided to just go ahead and get married. And while I was in the bathroom getting ready I realized I didn't want to call my mother and tell her I got married without her. It would break her heart. I told my boyfriend, in the dream, I cant get married without my mother there. He said but you like my family better why do you want her here? –what could all that mean. When I told my boyfriend in real life about it he said, well I'm not putting those thoughts in your head.