Experiencing Career Purgatory

I never thought I would be trying to find a new industry at such a young age. But When you work full time and go to college part time you accumulate a lot of customer service experience that you cant escape from. my resume looks like I should be an amazing salesman. Don’t get me wrong, I am pretty good if I do say so myself, but that is not what I want to do with my life. I am sure most of you can say that they had this feeling at least once in your lives.

I have been going on interview left and right. Either every thing is a sales job or is only a few steps up from "would you like fries with that." I am surrounded by people that feel the same but for whatever reason have to stay where they are and are just making the best of it. Not me! I need to be free, free of the oppression of being at the beckon call of the customer. Who is not always right by the way, but you didn’t here that from me.

I have tried my hand at big box retail, commissioned consultant work, technical support, warehouse work, banking, it is all the same and I am tired of it. I am going to have a degree in Psychology and I am barely qualified to make change for a twenty.

I took a horribly simplified personality training class. Seeing as I have taken more personality test than is probably healthy for one person to take. I just sat back and watched the rest of my coworkers ooed and awed as things about themselves were becoming reviled to them. The woman who lead the class was trying to dumb it down I could tell. Nevertheless, I could tell that she was getting the same joy form telling people the little things about them selves that they apparently could not pick out on their own.

I thought to my self that I would like to do something like that some day. Not be a trainer in some company but use psychology and personality analysis to help place people in positions and put bosses in charge of the tight people. The possibilities are endless. You could tailor your every action as a manager to properly manage each employee under you in a unique way that is best for them.

However, I will have to work my way up the food chain in some company before I can work my way into such a position. Or continue with my education and get my PhD in psychology so some big company can hire me to just do their hiring. I know that no employer cares how many big screen TVs I sold or how may Brides I dressed. It's all about experience and I have all the wrong kinds for what I want to do.

A bunch of my friends form high school are graduating from college this spring and are also experiencing problems with experience. Their problem is that they have none. They have never really had a full time job, had to punch in and out, worry about how many sick days they have, or enroll in the companies insurance and 401k programs. They have been living in a dorm for the last 4 years and have studied, hung out and partied their time away. How are they supposed to get into the work force when every job position requires 2-4 years of related experience?

Employers are only asking for that experience now that it is the norm for people to have at least some kind of degree. It used to be that the norm was only a high school education and that the college education was the exception. Now experience is the new golden ticket and it can lead you into job heaven, job hell, or in my case career purgatory.

January 30, 2007

I am numb. I'm not sure whats going on. I go to work then I come home and eat and sleep and go to work again. Sometimes I go to school in between working and sleeping. My boyfriend and I don’t talk much any more. We have too much we time. There is no him and I there is only we. I am also jealous. He has friends and I am all alone. While I was in the bathroom earlier I actually contemplated what I would do if we broke up. What would I do with the wedding dress I already bought? Would I go crawling back to Minnesota? I think I would get a place here and take out loans for school. I would be very alone. Not much different than I am now. Buying that dress ruined everything. I jinxed the relationship. We don’t talk in the car. Because we have nothing to share that the other wasn’t there for. We live together and work together and go to school together.

Today he hung out with(lets call her Jane) Jane. A girl that used to work at the warehouse with us. He wouldn’t say who he was going to see till just when he was leaving. They apparently went to the mall and then had coffee at rendezvous. Sounds like a date. Then he came straight home and asked if I was ready to go out. He said we were going out with mike. We went and found mike in the university library, got dinner at Applebee’s where I had a huge margarita, and then got coffee at rendezvous. When I joked around with mike about my boyfriend’s little date, my boyfriend got really defensive. Alcohol makes me so depressed. I shouldn’t drink. I can't even act happy. I just want to cry. Anyway we came home from coffee and we went to our respective rooms I took off my shoes and coat. Then I went to the bathroom not 5 minutes have past and I go to my boyfriend's room to hang and talk ( maybe get some cuddling) and he’s sitting in the dark, on the phone with Jane, I think. Because he wouldn’t tell me who he was on the phone with, and he didn’t want me to turn on the light so I decided to leave. When he asked me what I had come in there for I just said to be with you. And he said Oh. And I looked at him, … and left.

I need friends. I have no one who knows me. my boyfriend is my only friend. He knows everything about me. He knows all the intimate details. I confide everything in him. I think he is growing bored with me. But he’s stuck with me because I live with him. And work with him, and go to school with him.

I can’t wait for my sister to come. She is coming to visit me for a week. I have a feeling that one of those days she will have to listen to some of this shit from me. I hope she’s up to the task.

I need a friend. Just one…please…
He is still in there talking to her.
I have no one.
I’m afraid of what will become of me if he leaves me.
I can’t even decide what I want for dinner never mind life choices by myself.

It is so cold in here. I bought this new computer. Well, my boyfriend bought it and I have to pay him back when I file my taxes. Hopefully I get back at least $500. last year I got $800. my new computer and graphics card come to about $700. and I have to pay off my semester which is $510 some time in the next month.
Correction person on the phone was one of his old guy friends from school. Still my boyfriend has no time for me.
I was still so mad I cleaned my bathroom... I know, weird!

December 8th 2006

I turned 21 last Sunday. It snows 18 inches of snow in Missouri just two days prior. Needless to say I did not go out to celebrate. I stayed in and had a nice dinner, received gifts from my boyfriend and his family, and watched Get Shorty. I had a mixed drink at dinner: one part Canadian blended whiskey and 2 parts Coke. I didn’t drink anything else. I even got to bed early because I had to work in the morning. my boyfriend tried to make up for it by taking me out for dinner on Wednesday to La Casa Grande. I did get to order a modest 17oz Margarita. They didn’t even card me.

Today is the first free time I’ve had since my birthday. But I probably won’t go out anywhere fun this weekend either. I can’t go out because of a few reasons. Number one is my boyfriend doesn’t like going out. Number two is because I have finals next week and need to study. And number three is that I am too broke to go out anyway. I have to pay $1,200 to the school. I still have to buy Christmas presents for my family as well.

I just feel like I am missing out on my youth. I grew up too fast. All my old friends are partying and I am working. Plus I have no real friends down here. my boyfriend doesn’t count as a friend. I mean someone who I can talk to, hang out with. I have no one. I am lonely. I am tired. I am freezing.

I need to move on to something else. I need to get married and move away from this house. I want to start some place new and make friends. God, I want friends.

I was thinking about posting my thoughts on Facebook but last time I did that I actually got feedback. And for some reason I didn’t like it. I don’t think I want anybody to know m unhappy. Yet I write it down like I’m talking to someone. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My room is freezing! I am so cold.

Mom and I bought my wedding dress while I was up in Minnesota for Thanksgiving. It was the one I was looking at on Pronovias.com. Its part of their 2007 Glamor collection. Its name is Ebano. I had to order a size 6 because they don’t make it any smaller. They measured me and they said the closest size would have been a 4 but it was just ever so slightly too big. At least this way I don’t have to work about gaining weight. I can always have it altered down. I can't wait to really plan a wedding.

I am still quite disappointed about my 21^st birthday. It was just another day. I’m just sitting here at the keyboard not knowing what to say to explain why I am welling up but I am. I feel like I’m trapped. Especially now because I am snows in with a wall of ice so I can,t go anywhere without my boyfriend. And he wont take me anywhere.

I had a dream that My Boyfriend and I decided to just go ahead and get married. And while I was in the bathroom getting ready I realized I didn't want to call my mother and tell her I got married without her. It would break her heart. I told my boyfriend, in the dream, I cant get married without my mother there. He said but you like my family better why do you want her here? –what could all that mean. When I told my boyfriend in real life about it he said, well I'm not putting those thoughts in your head.